“I am an asshole. I am a piece of shit. I am sleazy.” These are the things that I constantly remind myself of as I get closer and closer to show time. As I stare into a mirror, I look at myself with a weird mix of disgust and pride. My attire tonight is Hawaiian print professional wrestling trunks which look like swimwear that Magnum PI might have sported in the 1980’s. I have on a matching Hawaiian print neckerchief which only adds to the flamboyance in which I strive to portray. I have on aviator sunglasses; the kind of sunglasses that an asshole cop might wear while he’s writing you a ticket for only driving two or three miles over the speed limit. My hair is thick and teased and reminiscent of a lions mane. My perfectly groomed facial hair is a style of mustache that is 25 years past it’s social acceptance and leaves me resembling an adult movie star of the 1980’s. The ensemble also includes my knee-high bright white wrestling boots which personifies the loudness of my character. My outfit is accessorized with white knee pads and athletic wrist tape. The old familiar stench of baby oil reminds me that I have about half of a bottle rubbed into my thighs, arms and chest, making me glisten in the bright lights. The baby oil magnifies the hair on my chest making it stand out even more, adding to the sleaze factor. Looking at myself, it is a wonder that I need to be reminded to be an asshole or a piece of shit or sleazy as if anyone who looks like this could be anything but. The next thing I see is the stage manager who is running into the room to tell me “five minutes until you’re on!” She is a beautiful woman, a wife of one of the other wrestlers but is seen by the majority of us as one of the boys. I grab my loud and tacky Hawaiian shirt which will serve as my entrance wear, my cigarette, my lighter, I hand my prop inhaler to the referee and tuck what’s left of the bottle of baby oil into the back of my trunks and head towards the standby position to get ready to go on. Sometimes I wonder if I am a prop comic or a professional wrestler. We are now less than five minutes away from my transformation from Joseph Ryan Meehan to a man with rock star charisma, a man with movie star good looks and the man who is single handily bringing sleazy back to professional wrestling: Joey Ryan!
Tonight, we are at The Mayan Theater in Downtown Los Angeles. The company I am working for is Lucha Va Voom. Lucha Va Voom is not your average wrestling show. It’s a hybrid mix of comedy, burlesque dancing and professional wrestling. If you take a quick trip through the dressing room, you will see a variety of different performers walking around. Male, female, gay, straight, midgets, a multitude of different nationalities speaking a variety of languages, and even celebrities who have come just to watch the show are hanging out. Everybody is so comfortable with everything there. Most performers feel free to walk around naked or half naked in their costumes for the show despite photographers from various news outlets there covering the event. In fact, being in costume and character will only help the story. It’s very much a family at Lucha Va Voom. Most of the wrestling is in the tradition of Lucha Libre which is a Mexican style of wrestling, complete with masked characters. I am one of the few who are without a mask. Because of this mixture of entertainment, it is rare to find an actual wrestling fan in the audience. The Mayan Theatre will be packed with about 2,000 people who are out on dates or out on the town looking to get drunk and have a good time with their friends. The wrestling on these shows almost calls to be a parody of the wrestling I would do on a regular show. Everything needs to be gimmicky, shtick-y and way over-the-top. Lucha Va Voom is by far my favorite place to work.
I find myself in the entranceway about to ascend into the arena. Still reminding myself of the kind of person in which I am going to portray. Asshole. Sleazy. Bad guy. The art in it is not acting like you’re trying to be any of those things but as if that is actually who I am. Nobody thinks of themselves as a terrible person so if you’re trying to be one then it’s less believable to the audience. Joseph Meehan might know that he needs to be all those things but Joey Ryan has to think he’s being cool, hip and sexy. After all, good is only a point of view. If the audience believes that Joey Ryan thinks he is being good while doing these horrible acts then you capture their imaginations and they become emotionally invested in your work. The production at Lucha Va Voom is top notch and they display each wrestler on the giant video screens as they are about to make their entrance. I hear “you’re on!” I light up my cigarette and begin to smoke in front of the camera and I hear the ring announcer at the stage area say my name in Spanish. Then the I hear the DJ start playing my entrance music of “Pina Colada.” With two scantily clad ring girls at my sides, I make my entrance and head to the stage. As soon as the audience sees me, the crowd starts to roar. It’s a mixture of cheers, boos, laughter and delight. I am a real spectacle. The reaction of the audience boosts my adrenaline and now Joseph Meehan no longer exists. There is only Joey Ryan. I don’t even notice that I’m struggling to breathe as my lungs fill with cigarette smoke. At this point, I am the star of the show and I must act as such. An audience can see right through somebody pretending or somebody with a lack of confidence. Right now, I must believe that there is nobody better at what I do than me. I pause for a moment to acknowledge the audience before I kick my leg up onto the railing which leads into the ring. With my crotch in the faces of the people who are just on the opposite side of the barricade, I take a puff of my cigarette and try to look as despicable as possible. At this point, I am no longer an asshole or piece of shit or sleazy. I am cool, hip and sexy. When I get to the stage in front of the ring, now with 2,000 pairs of eyes fixed upon me, I begin a slight dance to the melody of my theme music. In my best stripper impression, I begin to take off my Hawaiian entrance wear shirt to the roar of the audience. I then pull out the rest of the baby oil which I had securely placed in the waistband of my trunks and begin to pour the rest of the oil all over my body. I try to incorporate an awesome mix of sleaze and seduction in this act as I pull the waistband of my trunks open and pour the last of the bottle down the front of them. This gets a huge reaction from the audience as I begin to rub all the oil over my body. I then head from the stage area into the ring. Before I get into the ring, I take one last look at the audience and again kick my leg up on the ropes of the ring. Once there, I take one last puff off of the cigarette and then step into the ring. This is all before any wrestling actually takes place. I look around at the audience sitting ringside and make lewd gestures towards the females in the crowd. This would not make my mother proud. Then I turn my attention to the entranceway and await my opponent.
For anybody that knows the real me, it is glaringly apparent why I have to constantly remind myself to be in character. If you took a time machine to visit me before the age of 20, you wouldn’t believe I was even capable of this. The real me is shy and awkward. I have trouble making eye contact and I don’t speak very coherently. I prefer not to talk about myself unless I am specifically asked, so small talk is nearly impossible without the right partner. I tend to keep thoughts to myself which always makes people assume that I want to say something but am not comfortable in doing so. Maybe that’s something that is true but either way, more times than not it creates tension in what should be relaxed situations. Often times, I get accused of being bored in social settings because of my shyness. Whether it’s on a date or at a party, people think I am not having a good time because of my tendency to be introverted. I believe a lot of this stems back to my childhood. My lack of confidence might be attributed to being the youngest of four brothers and often being picked on. Maybe being a chubby kid and not having the faith in myself to talk to girls in my adolescence has somewhat stemmed over. It could also simply be genetics or environment as a trait I picked up from my father, who shares some of the same tendencies. As I reached my teenage years, my preferences switched from being a fan of sports to a fan of comic books. I became a bit of a dreamer and locked myself away for hours with just me and my comics. I developed a very vivid imagination and often drifted into fantasy worlds. This imagination inside me would eventually lead to my most successful idea once I learned to use it and manipulate it with abandon instead of keeping it bottled inside me. It led to my greatest creation: the creation of Joey Ryan.
The question that I get asked most is how or where I came up with my alter ego. The simplest answer is that I stole it. I stole it and then tweaked it. Growing up in the 1980’s and having three older brothers, I was a fan of the professional wrestling of that era. Once I realized that I could creatively do anything I want in the realm of professional wrestling, I went back to what drew me into being a fan. In the 1980’s wrestling was more fun and like a real life cartoon. Wrestling these days is very MMA influenced and is striving towards realism. Everybody wants everything to be presented as real as possible. As much as I appreciate that style, there is an aspect of fun missing from it which can be brought to it as well. The 1980’s was an era where you believed that Hulk Hogan could go toe-to-toe with Superman. I’m not referring to the era of the early 1990’s either when they had garbage men and hockey players or guys dressing up as superheroes as wrestlers. The 1980’s were when wrestlers could look and feel like superheroes without dressing up like them or announcers telling us they were superheroes. I decided that’s what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a 1980’s wrestler in the 2000’s. I pondered long and hard about what could I take and use. I decided that the man who personified everything that was cool and hip back then was Magnum PI. However, this is where the tweak comes in. For as cool and hip as Magnum PI was, if you were to see somebody today looking like that, your first instinct would be that he was creepy or sleazy. That’s when the light went off in my head! I would be the biggest bad guy in wrestling that I could be by acting and looking like the biggest good guy from the 1980’s. It was brilliant! It was an idea that I am still proud of today. Unfortunately, I couldn’t just jump from being a shy and chubby kid to a 1980’s bad ass overnight. It was a long and hard journey to get me there...
- Joey
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Lying to protect someone. Is it worth it?
We've all done it at some point, and to varying degrees in our lives, so I know you know what I'm talking about. Lying about something to someone, to protect a 3rd party, or yourself. It could be as simple as say, lying to a friends parents about there whereabouts, saying they are with you, when you know damn right they snuck outta the house to hang out with a boy. Or lying about having no knowledge of who broke Grandma's vase, when you know damn right it was your sister.
Or there are of course the more difficult, complicated situations, that seem to present themselves at the most inopportune times. Lets say you have 2 friends who dislike each other, or both have opinions about each other, and you are caught in the middle so to speak. Both are close and mean a lot to you, and you want to be able to continue relationships with them. When you hang out with one, do you lie to the other about said hang out, for fear they might get upset? If both parties are valuable to you and are an important fixture in your life, being able to tell either of them the truth, regardless of what they feel, shouldn't be that big of a deal. If they both care about you, they should respect your decisions, and be understanding. But we do it anyways.
Is it still lying if you just fail to mention something? Does that make it right? That is to say, you feel it too unimportant to make mention of it, does that classify it as not lying? Or what about this scenario. You become privy to damning information about a close friend and their personal life. You discover through personal sources, that their significant other has been seeing someone else on the side, and you have proof of it. Do you keep the secret to protect your friend, because you don't want to see them hurt? Do you tell them because you care, risking the possibility of it backfiring and you look like the bad guy? People take sides all the time, and I suppose it has something to do with where their true allegiance lies. Someone is choosing you over someone else, and lying to protect the other person involved. But why? And what does that get you? Is it embarrassment? Fear of jealousy? Wanting to keep those parts of your life separate? Avoiding drama? What makes things a dirty secret to begin with? Or is there some thing else going on all together that makes the lie seem like it is merited and its less complicated that way?
I come from a place now, after years of lying to save my ass, harboring guilt and shame about said lies, and feeling the sting of the repercussions after the dust had settled, that I now believe being honest to the people you care about is the best way to deal with things. Even if it is damaging. Because lets be honest, sometimes the truth sucks. Badly. It can be life altering, or destroying. I know. You never know how people are going to react. It may hurt them, or it may hurt you, or you may be surprised to discover that they don't give a shit at all. But in this day and age, with so much online documentation, social networking, people talk to each other, humanity is more connected than ever, and we know more people in far away places. Six degrees of separation and all that. its easy to figure out what people are up to, and its less complicated in the end to just to admit the truth, instead of the people involved finding out down the line. That's when lies get out of control and when they REALLY do damage. It hurts finding out for yourself. Fabricating a story just implies that there is indeed something to hide, a secret.
And lets be honest here, when you are lying to those you love and care about, there is already a breakdown in communication and a lack of trust, so you might have to ask yourself why, and question whether you really even value them to begin with.
- Morgan
Or there are of course the more difficult, complicated situations, that seem to present themselves at the most inopportune times. Lets say you have 2 friends who dislike each other, or both have opinions about each other, and you are caught in the middle so to speak. Both are close and mean a lot to you, and you want to be able to continue relationships with them. When you hang out with one, do you lie to the other about said hang out, for fear they might get upset? If both parties are valuable to you and are an important fixture in your life, being able to tell either of them the truth, regardless of what they feel, shouldn't be that big of a deal. If they both care about you, they should respect your decisions, and be understanding. But we do it anyways.
Is it still lying if you just fail to mention something? Does that make it right? That is to say, you feel it too unimportant to make mention of it, does that classify it as not lying? Or what about this scenario. You become privy to damning information about a close friend and their personal life. You discover through personal sources, that their significant other has been seeing someone else on the side, and you have proof of it. Do you keep the secret to protect your friend, because you don't want to see them hurt? Do you tell them because you care, risking the possibility of it backfiring and you look like the bad guy? People take sides all the time, and I suppose it has something to do with where their true allegiance lies. Someone is choosing you over someone else, and lying to protect the other person involved. But why? And what does that get you? Is it embarrassment? Fear of jealousy? Wanting to keep those parts of your life separate? Avoiding drama? What makes things a dirty secret to begin with? Or is there some thing else going on all together that makes the lie seem like it is merited and its less complicated that way?
I come from a place now, after years of lying to save my ass, harboring guilt and shame about said lies, and feeling the sting of the repercussions after the dust had settled, that I now believe being honest to the people you care about is the best way to deal with things. Even if it is damaging. Because lets be honest, sometimes the truth sucks. Badly. It can be life altering, or destroying. I know. You never know how people are going to react. It may hurt them, or it may hurt you, or you may be surprised to discover that they don't give a shit at all. But in this day and age, with so much online documentation, social networking, people talk to each other, humanity is more connected than ever, and we know more people in far away places. Six degrees of separation and all that. its easy to figure out what people are up to, and its less complicated in the end to just to admit the truth, instead of the people involved finding out down the line. That's when lies get out of control and when they REALLY do damage. It hurts finding out for yourself. Fabricating a story just implies that there is indeed something to hide, a secret.
And lets be honest here, when you are lying to those you love and care about, there is already a breakdown in communication and a lack of trust, so you might have to ask yourself why, and question whether you really even value them to begin with.
- Morgan
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Kittie - "I've Failed You"
Kittie’s new album “I’ve Failed You” is officially released as of today, August 30th, 2011. I’ve decided to take a moment in all my infinite metal wisdom to blog a review for the new album. The first thing you’re going to say is that I’m not going to be fair since Morgan is my best friend, so I will write a favorable review. Well you’re right, of course I am. That being said though, I am normally not a fan of the genre of metal and I really prefer Morgan’s clean vocals over her growling vocals and there seems to be less clean vocals on this album than any of the other Kittie albums so those two things are at least factors here. Not necessarily negatives or positives, but just factors.
Also, it’s worth noting that most of the time people can listen to music and speculate what the lyrics are referring to and they can be subjective to an individual. For the most part though, due to my friendship with Morgan, I pretty much know exactly what she is writing about in each song. Again, that being said though, I do find many of Morgan’s lyrics relatable. And for the sake of this blog, I will write in speculations. I heard bits and pieces of the album separately but it’s so different when you hear it together. Not many bands still tell stories throughout the album from beginning to end instead of just banding singles together but it seems like Kittie still holds true to that.
Anyways, lets get to the album…
I am not familiar with a great deal of metal but as I foreshadowed before, this album might be their most heavy. At least for me. At the same time though, the heavier sound and more growling vocals doesn’t really hurt the melodic tones of the songs themselves, which is something that I appreciate. I don’t know anything about playing guitar and I haven’t played drums since high school but I don’t need to be a movie director to know when I’m watching a good or bad movie and I don’t need to play an instrument to be able to tell when something is well written and well played. A lot of the music sounds sharp and intricate. I don’t even know if that’s the way to describe music, but it’s what I got for you. The album is also dark in a sense that the lyrics are sad and sometimes morbid. Still, Morgan finds a way to make them charming. It also has a parental advisory even though I think there is only one word used once during two songs that can’t be said on network television. The album is pretty scary sometimes so maybe it got the advisory for being too gory like a horror movie or something.
The first song is the title track; “I’ve Failed You” and sets the tone and starts the story of the album. The song tells the story of self destruction which is a theme throughout. Something that was once so perfect to you but you not being able to live up to your side of the perfections and it being glaring and apparent to everyone including yourself that you cannot. The music is a good companion to the lyrics, because of the dramatic change in tempo, almost like a realization when you are failing.
Track two is called “We Are The Lamb” and it’s a song of sacrifice. At least on the surface it is. The undertones of it however seem to lead towards senseless or needless sacrifice. As if the sacrifice was a waste or good in idea but poor in execution. The music is pretty hard for this song. Again, I don’t know much about metal but to me, this song sounds pretty metal.
The next song on the album is “Whisper Of Death.” FINALLY! Some clean vocals. The clean vocals however are just a slight consolation because this song kind of scares me. It’s a song about death or dying and not only that, but also being the cause or reason to it. Like you had the control over something but you let it die. It’s morbid and beautiful at the same time.
“What Have I Done” is the fourth track on the album and it’s a self sabotaging look at loss. Repeated loss and destruction at ones own hands. The first time I heard it, it was my favorite song on the album. It’s such a unique look at being in control of a situation but not being able to control your actions. The music that goes with it is pretty haunting and fit’s the mood of the song perfectly.
“Empires (Part 1)” is next and it’s an instrumental. It reminds me of when Morgan plays her acoustic guitar over Skype and forgets that she’s on Skype and just gets lost doing what she loves to do.
Naturally “Empires (Part 2)” is next up. This continues the album’s theme of self destruction. This song is filled with brilliant metaphors of something being held so strong and powerful in someone’s life that it’s like an Empire but then even the Empire of someone’s life can crumble. Again the music here is so strong like an Empire but breaks down much like the suggestions in the song and you can almost know the story here without the words.
Track seven is titled “Come Undone” and to my dismay it is not a cover of Duran Duran’s “Come Undone” but it’s another scary metal song instead. It might also be the most positive song on the album. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a cheerful song but the way the lyrics leave a mystery to the unknown could be seen as a anticipation for something better. Like you’ve hit your worst and it can only get better from here.
The next track is called “Already Dead” and as you guessed from the title, it’s another tragic song. This might be my favorite song musically. I don’t know the names of stuff but I know there is a term for what the guitars are doing here where they harmonize with each other and it sounds awesome here. The song tells the story of the surface of something being the last thing that falls apart. Something might be infected and dying on the inside while the structure is fighting to keep it together but that is mostly a losing fight.
My favorite song on the album is track nine and called “Never Come Home.” It’s also probably the least metal song on the album. Funny how that worked out. Again, I love Morgan’s clean vocals. She has such a beautiful voice. I’d like to think this song is somewhat about going insane. Like if your home is the place where you put all your trust and is everything you know but you destroy it so badly that it’s unrecognizable to you anymore. What you have known for so long will never be the same again and was destroyed by your own hands by you putting your trust in things that aren’t your foundation.
Track ten is “Ugly” and it’s angry. It’s still sad like most of the album but it’s from an angry point of view. It could also be looked at as another song of sabotage. When you feel so awful that you want others to feel it, you sacrifice relationships and what is good to inflict your angry or sadness on others.
The final track on the album is called “Time Never Heals.” As the saying goes, “time heals all wounds” but that isn’t always the case and this song points that out. Some things you just hold onto forever and even though it may get easier in time, it never fully heals and will always be apart of you. Sometimes you need to hold onto things because it helps you realize who you are inside.
Despite not being stylistically my cup of tea, I really appreciate the way the album tells a complete story. It’s cinematic in the way it keeps up the theme that is a rarity for most bands these days. It’s creative and artistic and as a performance artist myself, I really appreciate how emotionally engaging it is. It connects with you and keeps you locked in from start to finish. It’s worth giving a listen, especially if you like metal music, but even if you don‘t, you can completely lose yourself in it. It’s sad and scary and melodic and beautiful. Now I’m going to go listen to some Jimmy Eat World or Weezer.
- Joey
Also, it’s worth noting that most of the time people can listen to music and speculate what the lyrics are referring to and they can be subjective to an individual. For the most part though, due to my friendship with Morgan, I pretty much know exactly what she is writing about in each song. Again, that being said though, I do find many of Morgan’s lyrics relatable. And for the sake of this blog, I will write in speculations. I heard bits and pieces of the album separately but it’s so different when you hear it together. Not many bands still tell stories throughout the album from beginning to end instead of just banding singles together but it seems like Kittie still holds true to that.
Anyways, lets get to the album…
I am not familiar with a great deal of metal but as I foreshadowed before, this album might be their most heavy. At least for me. At the same time though, the heavier sound and more growling vocals doesn’t really hurt the melodic tones of the songs themselves, which is something that I appreciate. I don’t know anything about playing guitar and I haven’t played drums since high school but I don’t need to be a movie director to know when I’m watching a good or bad movie and I don’t need to play an instrument to be able to tell when something is well written and well played. A lot of the music sounds sharp and intricate. I don’t even know if that’s the way to describe music, but it’s what I got for you. The album is also dark in a sense that the lyrics are sad and sometimes morbid. Still, Morgan finds a way to make them charming. It also has a parental advisory even though I think there is only one word used once during two songs that can’t be said on network television. The album is pretty scary sometimes so maybe it got the advisory for being too gory like a horror movie or something.
The first song is the title track; “I’ve Failed You” and sets the tone and starts the story of the album. The song tells the story of self destruction which is a theme throughout. Something that was once so perfect to you but you not being able to live up to your side of the perfections and it being glaring and apparent to everyone including yourself that you cannot. The music is a good companion to the lyrics, because of the dramatic change in tempo, almost like a realization when you are failing.
Track two is called “We Are The Lamb” and it’s a song of sacrifice. At least on the surface it is. The undertones of it however seem to lead towards senseless or needless sacrifice. As if the sacrifice was a waste or good in idea but poor in execution. The music is pretty hard for this song. Again, I don’t know much about metal but to me, this song sounds pretty metal.
The next song on the album is “Whisper Of Death.” FINALLY! Some clean vocals. The clean vocals however are just a slight consolation because this song kind of scares me. It’s a song about death or dying and not only that, but also being the cause or reason to it. Like you had the control over something but you let it die. It’s morbid and beautiful at the same time.
“What Have I Done” is the fourth track on the album and it’s a self sabotaging look at loss. Repeated loss and destruction at ones own hands. The first time I heard it, it was my favorite song on the album. It’s such a unique look at being in control of a situation but not being able to control your actions. The music that goes with it is pretty haunting and fit’s the mood of the song perfectly.
“Empires (Part 1)” is next and it’s an instrumental. It reminds me of when Morgan plays her acoustic guitar over Skype and forgets that she’s on Skype and just gets lost doing what she loves to do.
Naturally “Empires (Part 2)” is next up. This continues the album’s theme of self destruction. This song is filled with brilliant metaphors of something being held so strong and powerful in someone’s life that it’s like an Empire but then even the Empire of someone’s life can crumble. Again the music here is so strong like an Empire but breaks down much like the suggestions in the song and you can almost know the story here without the words.
Track seven is titled “Come Undone” and to my dismay it is not a cover of Duran Duran’s “Come Undone” but it’s another scary metal song instead. It might also be the most positive song on the album. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a cheerful song but the way the lyrics leave a mystery to the unknown could be seen as a anticipation for something better. Like you’ve hit your worst and it can only get better from here.
The next track is called “Already Dead” and as you guessed from the title, it’s another tragic song. This might be my favorite song musically. I don’t know the names of stuff but I know there is a term for what the guitars are doing here where they harmonize with each other and it sounds awesome here. The song tells the story of the surface of something being the last thing that falls apart. Something might be infected and dying on the inside while the structure is fighting to keep it together but that is mostly a losing fight.
My favorite song on the album is track nine and called “Never Come Home.” It’s also probably the least metal song on the album. Funny how that worked out. Again, I love Morgan’s clean vocals. She has such a beautiful voice. I’d like to think this song is somewhat about going insane. Like if your home is the place where you put all your trust and is everything you know but you destroy it so badly that it’s unrecognizable to you anymore. What you have known for so long will never be the same again and was destroyed by your own hands by you putting your trust in things that aren’t your foundation.
Track ten is “Ugly” and it’s angry. It’s still sad like most of the album but it’s from an angry point of view. It could also be looked at as another song of sabotage. When you feel so awful that you want others to feel it, you sacrifice relationships and what is good to inflict your angry or sadness on others.
The final track on the album is called “Time Never Heals.” As the saying goes, “time heals all wounds” but that isn’t always the case and this song points that out. Some things you just hold onto forever and even though it may get easier in time, it never fully heals and will always be apart of you. Sometimes you need to hold onto things because it helps you realize who you are inside.
Despite not being stylistically my cup of tea, I really appreciate the way the album tells a complete story. It’s cinematic in the way it keeps up the theme that is a rarity for most bands these days. It’s creative and artistic and as a performance artist myself, I really appreciate how emotionally engaging it is. It connects with you and keeps you locked in from start to finish. It’s worth giving a listen, especially if you like metal music, but even if you don‘t, you can completely lose yourself in it. It’s sad and scary and melodic and beautiful. Now I’m going to go listen to some Jimmy Eat World or Weezer.
- Joey
Monday, August 22, 2011
Dear...
Today is a hard day, and I'm not sure why. Maybe its because I think back, and remember a time when I'd reflect on this day, when it was a few years in the future, and imagine what we'd do to celebrate. How we'd spend it together, where we might go... I read and re-read the email I just sent you, and tears slowly come to my eyes. I have to fight to keep them back, I forget I'm in public. Acceptance is hard, when you know its really the only choice you have. Its either accept, or dwell and drown in it. Its neutral, uninspired and ambivalent, kind of like how we feel about each other. We've come so far in patching up our broken selves, and are so far removed from the events of winter of last year. Moved on, changed our lives. Grown apart.
When did we become strangers? How is it that a person I spent 8 years of my life with, lived, loved and became best friends with, is now a person who I no longer know at all?
I'm happy for you...so glad that you've found someone that brings out the best in you, brings you joy, and doesn't hold you back and keep you chasing and reaching for the unobtainable, the way that I did. You deserve that, more than anyone I know. But a part of me is still sad, still sorry.
We will never be what we used to be, who we were before. Time and experience will see to that, and I know that. Things can never go back. Life is change in perpetual motion.
But I still wish you could see the things I've done since then. I wish you could see the growth, the progress, and the changes I've made. I wish that you could see the person that I've become. And the thing that I feel, in the pit of my stomach, with the knowledge that you may never know who I am now... is acceptance.
- Morgan
When did we become strangers? How is it that a person I spent 8 years of my life with, lived, loved and became best friends with, is now a person who I no longer know at all?
I'm happy for you...so glad that you've found someone that brings out the best in you, brings you joy, and doesn't hold you back and keep you chasing and reaching for the unobtainable, the way that I did. You deserve that, more than anyone I know. But a part of me is still sad, still sorry.
We will never be what we used to be, who we were before. Time and experience will see to that, and I know that. Things can never go back. Life is change in perpetual motion.
But I still wish you could see the things I've done since then. I wish you could see the growth, the progress, and the changes I've made. I wish that you could see the person that I've become. And the thing that I feel, in the pit of my stomach, with the knowledge that you may never know who I am now... is acceptance.
- Morgan
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Goodtime.
I have the best roommate in the world. And I’m not just saying that either. Recently some things have occurred in his life or may even occur soon in my life that may see us part ways as roommates and it makes me sad. Truly and genuinely sad that I may lose somebody that I have grown to love as a brother and a best friend. I have so many mixed emotions about these recent revelations and would like to reflect on how I feel about him and about the person I have become in the near two years that we have lived together. It has been probably the two most influential years of my life when I really needed to grow and did grow and needed somebody so badly to lean on and found that salvation in him. I would like to now tell you a bit about Kevin Martenson.
We came to live together by a bit of chance as the M1W wrestling school in the Anaheim area was being started by a good friend of ours and he needed instructors. Coincidentally, Kevin’s old roommate was leaving the state and Kevin needed a new place to live. At the time, I was staying with my parents after a recent break up saw me move away from the girlfriend I was living with previously. I didn’t need much more reason to move to Anaheim seeing as though this is where The Angels play and where Disneyland is and when Kevin agreed to it, it was on.
Obviously, Kevin is a fellow wrestler and I figured I’d get the wrestling part out of the way first. Above anything he does in the ring for himself, I think Kevin is a great instructor at the wrestling school. And as we go on here, you’ll see that this is just apart of his giving and selfless personality. He has so much patience with beginners and does not see himself as being better than anybody no matter if they have been wrestling for years or if it’s their first day. It’s a trait and tact that I wish I had more of. As a wrestler himself, he is vastly underrated. If he has a flaw it’s that he tries too hard. But it’s not in a bad way. Kevin knows the basics of pro wrestling so well but he doesn’t confine himself to them or rely on them. He’s always striving to do more or be better with his creativity and force himself to think outside the box. And that’s not always something that equates into success when you’re always evolving your style and adapting new things to your craft. He puts so much effort into everything he does that he is an inspiration to work with and be around.
Aside from wrestling, Kevin is probably thee absolute best person as far as character and class that I‘ve ever met. It could be because he was brought up in small town Pennsylvania but he is so unlike anybody I know, especially involved in the entertainment business. I have never seen Kevin be selfish or greedy. He is such a giving person that it’s almost unbelievable. I can be very selfish and very needy at times but Kevin will always give and give. One of my fatal flaws is that the more you give me, the more I will take and because of this, Kevin has had multiple chances to get upset or angry with me and has never been anything but genuinely nice and caring towards me. He is so forgiving of all my flaws but doesn’t let me rely on my flaws without motivating me to be better.
Kevin knows all of my dark and dirty secrets but still expects nothing but the best out of me. I fear the kind of degenerate I would have become if Kevin didn’t expect me to be so upstanding all the time despite all various times I‘m sure I’ve let him down with my various exploits. And it’s not as if he judges or looks down on me when I do. It’s more like, “I can see why you did that, but just try better next time.” He has a phrase that has become common place around here about me that goes something like “this is something that would only happen to you.” He likens my life to that of a movie. And it doesn’t matter what type of movie whether it be a comedy or a drama or a mystery or even a horror movie. He just understands that for better or for worse, I tend to live a rock star lifestyle and can’t function very well boxed in but Kevin is there to remind me that normal rules have to apply to me or else I would go insane. He is very much the angel on my shoulder to counteract the devil who often times appears on the opposite shoulder.
The entire time we have lived together Kevin as been in a relationship. I will tell you this and mean it more than anything I have ever said in my life… Kevin is BY FAR the best boyfriend that a girl could EVER have. Not once in the entire time we have lived together have I ever seen him talk to, comment on, flirt with or even look at another girl in a manner that he couldn’t with his girlfriend standing right next to him. And that’s the way it should be, but it’s not because it isn’t human nature or human instinct. To be honest, it’s almost disgusting. Not only that, but he will put her ahead of himself and involve her in his decision making 100% of the time, even when she doesn’t come close to doing the same. His girlfriend is one of my best friends but she tends to be as flawed as I am at times. Again, Kevin is so forgiving of her flaws though and has the patience to give her the time to better herself. He has an unconditional love for her that every relationship should be about but very few are. I feel like whomever is “lucky” enough to get me in a relationship in the future will get a better relationship out of me because of Kevin’s influence.
Kevin and my friendship has become more than just wrestling or training together. More than just watching True Blood or It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia together. He’s somebody that I can look up to and aspire to be more like. He is a good person. Much better than I but I am much better for knowing him and getting to live with him. Although his reasons for leaving would be more on a negative note and mine would be more of a positive note, these past two years are entirely unforgettable to me. It has been a rough time emotionally for me and Kevin has helped centered me and helped me combat my own demons and helped me to become a better person. If I am experiencing a redemption of character then it’s in part owed to Kevin.
- Joey
We came to live together by a bit of chance as the M1W wrestling school in the Anaheim area was being started by a good friend of ours and he needed instructors. Coincidentally, Kevin’s old roommate was leaving the state and Kevin needed a new place to live. At the time, I was staying with my parents after a recent break up saw me move away from the girlfriend I was living with previously. I didn’t need much more reason to move to Anaheim seeing as though this is where The Angels play and where Disneyland is and when Kevin agreed to it, it was on.
Obviously, Kevin is a fellow wrestler and I figured I’d get the wrestling part out of the way first. Above anything he does in the ring for himself, I think Kevin is a great instructor at the wrestling school. And as we go on here, you’ll see that this is just apart of his giving and selfless personality. He has so much patience with beginners and does not see himself as being better than anybody no matter if they have been wrestling for years or if it’s their first day. It’s a trait and tact that I wish I had more of. As a wrestler himself, he is vastly underrated. If he has a flaw it’s that he tries too hard. But it’s not in a bad way. Kevin knows the basics of pro wrestling so well but he doesn’t confine himself to them or rely on them. He’s always striving to do more or be better with his creativity and force himself to think outside the box. And that’s not always something that equates into success when you’re always evolving your style and adapting new things to your craft. He puts so much effort into everything he does that he is an inspiration to work with and be around.
Aside from wrestling, Kevin is probably thee absolute best person as far as character and class that I‘ve ever met. It could be because he was brought up in small town Pennsylvania but he is so unlike anybody I know, especially involved in the entertainment business. I have never seen Kevin be selfish or greedy. He is such a giving person that it’s almost unbelievable. I can be very selfish and very needy at times but Kevin will always give and give. One of my fatal flaws is that the more you give me, the more I will take and because of this, Kevin has had multiple chances to get upset or angry with me and has never been anything but genuinely nice and caring towards me. He is so forgiving of all my flaws but doesn’t let me rely on my flaws without motivating me to be better.
Kevin knows all of my dark and dirty secrets but still expects nothing but the best out of me. I fear the kind of degenerate I would have become if Kevin didn’t expect me to be so upstanding all the time despite all various times I‘m sure I’ve let him down with my various exploits. And it’s not as if he judges or looks down on me when I do. It’s more like, “I can see why you did that, but just try better next time.” He has a phrase that has become common place around here about me that goes something like “this is something that would only happen to you.” He likens my life to that of a movie. And it doesn’t matter what type of movie whether it be a comedy or a drama or a mystery or even a horror movie. He just understands that for better or for worse, I tend to live a rock star lifestyle and can’t function very well boxed in but Kevin is there to remind me that normal rules have to apply to me or else I would go insane. He is very much the angel on my shoulder to counteract the devil who often times appears on the opposite shoulder.
The entire time we have lived together Kevin as been in a relationship. I will tell you this and mean it more than anything I have ever said in my life… Kevin is BY FAR the best boyfriend that a girl could EVER have. Not once in the entire time we have lived together have I ever seen him talk to, comment on, flirt with or even look at another girl in a manner that he couldn’t with his girlfriend standing right next to him. And that’s the way it should be, but it’s not because it isn’t human nature or human instinct. To be honest, it’s almost disgusting. Not only that, but he will put her ahead of himself and involve her in his decision making 100% of the time, even when she doesn’t come close to doing the same. His girlfriend is one of my best friends but she tends to be as flawed as I am at times. Again, Kevin is so forgiving of her flaws though and has the patience to give her the time to better herself. He has an unconditional love for her that every relationship should be about but very few are. I feel like whomever is “lucky” enough to get me in a relationship in the future will get a better relationship out of me because of Kevin’s influence.
Kevin and my friendship has become more than just wrestling or training together. More than just watching True Blood or It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia together. He’s somebody that I can look up to and aspire to be more like. He is a good person. Much better than I but I am much better for knowing him and getting to live with him. Although his reasons for leaving would be more on a negative note and mine would be more of a positive note, these past two years are entirely unforgettable to me. It has been a rough time emotionally for me and Kevin has helped centered me and helped me combat my own demons and helped me to become a better person. If I am experiencing a redemption of character then it’s in part owed to Kevin.
- Joey
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Its a process...
Now, I'm no relationship expert. Far from it, in fact. But I often think about the dynamic of healthy relationships, as many moons ago, the one I had failed miserably at my own hand. What makes things work? Is there really a perfect relationship? Are there certain ingredients that can be utilized without fail?
In terms of commitment, what does it really mean? Is it necessary? If two people care about each other and want to be together, can it just "be"?
These are the things that I have come to terms with, in regards to a certain unhealthy dynamic in a relationship. A dynamic which I am all too familiar with, unfortunately. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and the person in power controls the relationship, obviously. The person in power is also usually the one who loves the other less. They make the other jump through hoops, and take them for granted. Detachment gives power over the situation, and it is that person who is the one calling the shots. The other, hopelessly in love, powerless, and willing to bend over backwards for the one they care for. And is it fair? Is it right? And why string someone along if that’s what the other really feels? I have so many questions, and as the manipulator for so long, so little in the way of answers.
The past few years have certainly been a learning process for me. Learning about who I am, independent of the 'unit' I had come to be a part of and comfortable in. Re-defining who I was, both personally and professionally. Loving, losing. Loving, losing. So yeah, I have learned acceptance and found peace in the knowledge that nothing will ever be as it was, and found that forward is the only motion that saves one from themselves in times of grief. You can never go back, and whatever prospects you have in the future will certainly NEVER be what you had before. You just cannot have those expectations. In going back to the detachment topic, knowing your roll in a relationship, and recognizing your partner's role, will certainly better the odds for survival. It’s also important to know your definition of what a loving relationship is to YOU, so you can decide what feels comfortable and right for you. Guidelines, rules...they are all important in establishing what you want out of a partnership.
On a side note, but still somehow connected to this topic, I feel, I am a huge believer in everything happens for a reason. There is no fairy tale, there is no perfect. There is only what you put in and get out of a situation. Life gives you who and what you need at the time. Something, whatever it may be, is providing, regardless if it is good or bad, and teaches you valuable lessons about the things you love, and the things you take for granted.
I have many regrets about the way I acted in the past, but I wouldn't change a thing about the direction my life took on. I have come to accept things the way they are, and I am OK with it. I am stronger, and better for it. And if you love her, and you're happy, then the pain was for a good cause, and it was meant to be.
- Morgan
- Morgan
Friday, July 15, 2011
"We're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are." - Jimmy Eat World from the song 'The World You Love'
I must apologize for the lack of updates on here. Truth be told, Morgan and I have had a busy couple of weeks. I have been traveling a lot to various shows and working on a TV show that I’m also a producer on. Plus I made a trip this week with my friend Jon to the MLB Home Run Derby and All-Star Game in Phoenix, AZ. So amazing. As for Morgan, she just recently got home from a trip to New York where her and her band mates were working on photos and videos for their upcoming album. The pictures look incredible. I have been lucky enough to get a sneak preview of some of the album and I cannot wait for the finished product. Anyways, enough excuses. Just an apology for a recent lack of updates. I’m sure this won’t be the last but we’re trying! It’s still new to us.
A friend of mine with whom I recently spent a day with gave me a critique on this blog. He said he really enjoys the thought out writings but wasn’t a fan of the “dome coach” conversation post. He said we are both very articulate but that post came off like a couple of teenagers giggling about sex. And I can totally see that. That is a very valid point. HOWEVER, to know Morgan and I and to know our friendship, we talk about some of the most ridiculous things and literally nothing is off the table. What I find most interesting is that we can take the most immature topics and spend a great deal of time on them, analyzing them and making well thought out statements which only serve to prolong the conversations and quite frequently turn into debates. I would be lying if I said that Morgan and I didn’t have an in depth conversation today about penis sizes. Now before I start to sound like the majority of our conversations are about such things, they are not. It just happens and also happens to bring the most hilarity when it does so they are the ones that will more than likely turn up on here.
Aside from all that, I don’t really know how “grown up” I am anyways. My days are filled with baseball, Disneyland and wrestling. Sometimes a combination of all three. I live the dream life of a 15 year old. My career is professional make believe. I think Morgan gets that about me which is why we can have serious conversations about asinine things. When Morgan wrote her introduction about me, she mentioned how childlike I can be. But I think it’s more than that. I think it’s a resistance to normalcy. A resistance to what is expected of me. It’s a stubbornness to live life on my own terms. Sometimes it makes me so happy and sometimes it makes me so sad. It is my character flaw and I will own it until the day that I die.
Woe is me, right? To those who had to be up at 5am this morning to sit in traffic to get to work and sit behind a desk all day can’t imagine what complaints I would have. And believe me, it’s not lost on me what I have. Or is it? I am thankful for the opportunities I am afforded with the lifestyle I have chosen, but to say things have come easy would be underselling just how much work I have put in to get here. It’s hard to believe that very many people can sympathize with all I have gained and all I have lost and the sacrifices I have made to get here. Nobody knows how many times I have failed and continue to fail just to have the smallest things go my way so I can continue to be who I am and not lose myself or get lost in the shuffle. To quote my favorite TV show, being Joey Ryan is a gift and a curse.
What is wrong with normalcy? Well, nothing is really. When your routine is the abnormal then you develop a longing for normalcy. The things others take for granted are the things you come to desire. My inability to carry on a meaningful relationship might not be too abnormal but for me it seems to be that of a lost cause. I’m notorious for dating younger but that is because of my character flaw. Morgan is the only girl I have found close to my age that I feel comfortable completely being myself around and yet we have exhausted the possibility of being together and have deemed it not in the cards for us. When I try to date women in my age range, I feel like the date becomes much like a job interview for a husband position. And I feel like I fail the interview the minute I tell them that I play fight in my underwear for a living. Or about my weekly trips to Disneyland. Or about my addiction to Major League Baseball. A problem that I don’t seem to find with 18 to 24 year olds. The problem there is that 18 to 24 year olds tend not to be too interested in settling down or starting something serious. Again, woe is me… The 30 + year old guy who is hooking up with 18 to 24 year olds. I understand I could have it a lot worse, but you can’t control what your heart longs for. Perhaps it’s simply a matter of the grass always being greener on the other side. Or perhaps my life is in the mold of a Shakespearian tragedy.
- Joey
A friend of mine with whom I recently spent a day with gave me a critique on this blog. He said he really enjoys the thought out writings but wasn’t a fan of the “dome coach” conversation post. He said we are both very articulate but that post came off like a couple of teenagers giggling about sex. And I can totally see that. That is a very valid point. HOWEVER, to know Morgan and I and to know our friendship, we talk about some of the most ridiculous things and literally nothing is off the table. What I find most interesting is that we can take the most immature topics and spend a great deal of time on them, analyzing them and making well thought out statements which only serve to prolong the conversations and quite frequently turn into debates. I would be lying if I said that Morgan and I didn’t have an in depth conversation today about penis sizes. Now before I start to sound like the majority of our conversations are about such things, they are not. It just happens and also happens to bring the most hilarity when it does so they are the ones that will more than likely turn up on here.
Aside from all that, I don’t really know how “grown up” I am anyways. My days are filled with baseball, Disneyland and wrestling. Sometimes a combination of all three. I live the dream life of a 15 year old. My career is professional make believe. I think Morgan gets that about me which is why we can have serious conversations about asinine things. When Morgan wrote her introduction about me, she mentioned how childlike I can be. But I think it’s more than that. I think it’s a resistance to normalcy. A resistance to what is expected of me. It’s a stubbornness to live life on my own terms. Sometimes it makes me so happy and sometimes it makes me so sad. It is my character flaw and I will own it until the day that I die.
Woe is me, right? To those who had to be up at 5am this morning to sit in traffic to get to work and sit behind a desk all day can’t imagine what complaints I would have. And believe me, it’s not lost on me what I have. Or is it? I am thankful for the opportunities I am afforded with the lifestyle I have chosen, but to say things have come easy would be underselling just how much work I have put in to get here. It’s hard to believe that very many people can sympathize with all I have gained and all I have lost and the sacrifices I have made to get here. Nobody knows how many times I have failed and continue to fail just to have the smallest things go my way so I can continue to be who I am and not lose myself or get lost in the shuffle. To quote my favorite TV show, being Joey Ryan is a gift and a curse.
What is wrong with normalcy? Well, nothing is really. When your routine is the abnormal then you develop a longing for normalcy. The things others take for granted are the things you come to desire. My inability to carry on a meaningful relationship might not be too abnormal but for me it seems to be that of a lost cause. I’m notorious for dating younger but that is because of my character flaw. Morgan is the only girl I have found close to my age that I feel comfortable completely being myself around and yet we have exhausted the possibility of being together and have deemed it not in the cards for us. When I try to date women in my age range, I feel like the date becomes much like a job interview for a husband position. And I feel like I fail the interview the minute I tell them that I play fight in my underwear for a living. Or about my weekly trips to Disneyland. Or about my addiction to Major League Baseball. A problem that I don’t seem to find with 18 to 24 year olds. The problem there is that 18 to 24 year olds tend not to be too interested in settling down or starting something serious. Again, woe is me… The 30 + year old guy who is hooking up with 18 to 24 year olds. I understand I could have it a lot worse, but you can’t control what your heart longs for. Perhaps it’s simply a matter of the grass always being greener on the other side. Or perhaps my life is in the mold of a Shakespearian tragedy.
- Joey
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